New Kids on the Blog

eep. i hope i get someone to take me to the greyhound station tonight. i don’t want to be reduced to asking my neighbor…plus since joey freaked out about how scary and nasty buses are i’m nervous about taking the overnight to minneapolis. but i used to take buses by myself all around the east coast and had no real problems (except i guess that time i was broke in philadelphia and had to walk panicking and crying half a mile in flip-flops in the icing rain with my umbrella blowing inside out and my suitcase dragging behind me to meet louis’s little sister who loaned me ten bucks so i could get back to school that night). i like to think i’m a little tougher than the average twenty-two year old white girl. plus i have the second book of the chronicles of narnia, which will undoubtably give me superpowers with which i can shield myself from crazies and perverts en route. i’m golden.

with the weekly (sometime bi-weekly) call of distress to kathryn finished (frustrated whining- check!) i have another hour to kill before heading off to my one appointment today…5:30 ballet class…

not that today has all been aimless complaining. i aimed higher than that. i woke up early and sat in the sun with my cat and finished a book by a sri lankan poet turned novelist. at about 11 i scraped some res and went to joann’s fabric’s and crafts and bought snaps and pink fabric. came back home,  listened to revolver and sewed some more on my current work in progress…(perhaps i will wear it sometime, unlike all my other creations. someone needs to throw more cocktail parties.) then there was the healthy snack whilst reading about epidemic diseases in time magazine…then i edited a piece i wrote on halloween…called kathryn, rehashed the same old material…checked my email, printed out the application for sarah lawrence…blogged a list of all the asinine things i’ve chased thoughts away with today.

neato.

so as i’ve had ample time to think the last few months (and am slowly but surely recovering from the terrible self-mutilating side effects of hard edged introspection) i have decided that i just don’t have the drive to do the starving artist thing anymore…i haven’t danced with any regular satisfaction for a year- why on earth have i been clinging on to this Idea i had about myself making it as a dancer in new york?  for months i’ve been mantra-ing my way around omaha- "soon new york" but the more i said it the less i was really interested in the reality of paying tons of money to live in a city where my ego is crushed into a million pieces daily by the constant feeling of artistic inadequacy and the grueling financial pressure to exist.  i can ground myself into sand here much cheaper. 

all slightly histrionic reasons aside, the starving artist phase was always just a phase in my life plan…i was going to give it a year and then go to grad school…but since the eye surgery debaucle has mussed the order of my life plan anyway, i decided yesterday that i want to go to grad school next fall and get my MFA in dance.  that way i will be able to dance in the midst of intellectual pusuit, experience creativity within the bounds of structure and schedule, and make better connections for my future career in choreography.  sooo…it’s a long time until next fall…but i can dance four times a week at the academy and once i get my eye opened the whole world of employment will bloom for me again. besides, i’m sick of blaming the places and the people for making me miserable…i could find a scapegoat behind me in the mirror, but i’d rather just try and be content within my self.

Chris and I are leaving tomorrow for three weeks in the UK! We scoff at those travellers who feel the need for "itineraries" or "reservations".  We shall fly free as birds (starlings!) through the cobble streets of London, chunnel to Paris, visit Edinburgh, and do whatever we want whenever we want.  Christopher and Europe will be sure to elevate my post-op blues.  I’ve got two pairs of sunglasses, one tilted hat, one black eyepatch, and a ton of medical supplies.  I only packed two pairs of shoes.  Vivienne Westwood, watch your back!

*Vague side note- the old Electra complex is kicking in again.  Damn those sexy professors!

I’m so earnestly creepy sometimes it even grosses me out.  Anyhow…

Happy Holidays!